I don’t usually watch reality TV. But recently, I found myself gorging on the entire first season of Bravo’s Shahs of Sunset, which concluded earlier this month. The show depicts Iranian-American (Persian) singles partying and shopping their way through LA and Las Vegas in the highest of styles. Critics have focused on ravaging the shallow stereotypes of the Persian community, and decrying the predictable glitz and hyped-up drama of reality shows.
What drew me to Shahs was the unusual depiction of a close circle of Jewish and Muslim friends. Bound by their common experience as Persians from refugee immigrant families, their loyalty and affection transcends religious difference. I am struggling to come up with another such microcosm of intense Jewish and Muslim friendship on television, or in any other medium. If you can think of one, please post it in the comment section!
I find it interesting to note that the women featured on the show (MJ, GG, Asa) all come from Muslim families, though they also drink champagne with abandon and none of them is depicted as partaking in any sort of religious practice (with the possible exception of Asa, who considers herself a mystical “intergalactic Persian princess”).
The three Persian men in the circle all have Jewish ancestry. Mike’s family Shabbat was featured on the first episode. Mike worships his Jewish mom, who urges him to marry a nice, Jewish Persian girl. The characters discuss the fact that the chemistry between GG (Muslim) and Mike (Jewish), may be doomed because of religious difference, though Mike is currently dating a Latina (presumably a Christian).
But the most fascinating story line for me as a “patrilinial half-Jew” is that of Reza, born to a Muslim mother and a father who converted from Judaism to Islam in order to marry. Reza’s Jewish grandmother attended the wedding dressed in black. Reza lays the blame for the divorce of his parents squarely on the reaction of extended family to their religious difference, saying their marriage “never had a fair shot.” After the divorce, Reza’s father moved east, and essentially abandoned his son.
Despite being raised by his Muslim mother, with a Muslim first name, Reza explains that he has been to many family Bar Mitvahs, never been in a mosque, and “feels more Jewish than Muslim.” One could attribute this to greater exposure to Jewish religious practice. But I find it interesting that it fits into the pattern I see in Jewish/Christian interfaith children of Judaism exerting an outsized effect, even when it’s the father who is Jewish.
In the harrowing penultimate episode of the season, Reza travels to Great Neck, Long Island, for a reunion Shabbat with his extended Persian Jewish family. As the family gathers, Reza’s Jewish grandmother gives Reza what can only be described as the evil eye. When Reza confronts his father, the father admits that Reza’s grandmother considers Reza a “goyim” (non-Jew), and that she has been pressuring her son to ignore Reza.
In a series strewn with expensive baubles, drunken sprees and artificial catfights, the very real and poignant tears of an interfaith child excluded by his own family, and of a father who feels torn between religious loyalty and his own son, shocked and moved me. Reza embodies the “tragic interfaith child,” a character akin to the “tragic mulatto.” And yet, hope lies in the boundary-transcending friendships of Reza’s generation. Despite the caviar and fast cars, the real estate deals and the mean girls, I do not think I will be able to stop myself from tuning in for the next season of Shahs of Sunset this summer, to follow the interfaith story lines.
Susan Katz Miller is an interfaith families speaker, consultant, and coach, and author of Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family (2015), and a workbook, The Interfaith Family Journal (2019). Follow her on twitter @susankatzmiller.
Being Both 
I feel like I know that square of persian carpet…
I really enjoyed this post Susan. The Shahs finale intimately captured what life is like in an interfaith community. I related to it a lot, coming from a Bengali community in the US where Muslims and Hindus mix and mingle and bond on a common language and culture.
My Muslim friends and Hindu friends all grew up together as brothers and sisters and our parents are all friends with each other. Yet I was surprised and taken aback as we reached our 20’s, when our parents told us to marry “within our own.” It was OK to go to each others religious holidays and celebrations like Eid (for my Muslim friends) and Durga Puja (for my Hindu friends) and stay over each other’s houses and otherwise have extremely close friendships, but it wasn’t OK to intermarry.
I commend Reza as it took him a lot of courage to confront his dad about abandoning him because he was an interfaith child and his grandmother didn’t approve of his dad’s interfaith marriage with his mom. On a non-reality show, the writers would typically take sides of who they should portray as the “hero” and who to portray as the “villian.” On a regular show, I’m pretty sure they would have portrayed Reza’s dad as being a coward for abandoning his son. But on a reality show like the Shahs, we got to see how Reza was extremely hurt about being abandoned by his Jewish side of the family and also how his Jewish father was torn between his Jewish mother and his Muslim wife and interfaith son. The dad was crying because he didn’t follow his heart, instead he was shackled by the expectations put on him.
I think Reza’s storyline is not the norm though. By that I mean one confrontational, difficult conversation between parent and child and then everyone hugs and cries and make promises to be there for each other.
There are many people in interfaith relationships all over the world where they are outcast from their family because of who they choose to marry. For some of my friends in interfaith relationships, the grudges held by parents and extended family rather quickly faded away when the couple had kids. And typically there are many little conversations, not one big blow-up.
Like you, I’m also excited to see what happens in the next season!
Ladki!
I deeply appreciate your comment. You are exactly right that the show reflects a familiar phenomenon in many American subcultures–for instance, I have seen it in the Christian and Muslim African community in DC as well.
I am sorry more people did not wade through the decadence and glitz to watch the startling intimacy of Reza’s confrontation. He has been quoted in the press as saying that this was an entirely real moment, one of the most meaningful of his life.
You are also right that this situation was extreme–most people accept and adore their interfaith grandchildren. Reza, like all interfaith children, is a bridge-builder. But most do not have to span such a vast divide.
So funny I came across your post and I really like the Shahs show for the same reasons. I am a Catholic married to an Israeli Sephardic Jewish man. We battled over what our children would be and were at the stalemate for the first 7 years of our daughter’s life. She had both religions but nothing. When she turned 8 she asked us both, “What am I?” Mommy you are Catholic and Daddy you are Jewish and I am nothing. It hit both of us so hard so we asked her what she wanted to be. She said I want to be Jewish like daddy because I love Israel and all of my family there loves me so much. The sense of family in Israel is so strong and they loved me even though I wasn’t Jewish because my husband picked me. My family rejected both of us and I was excommunicated from my church so it made sense why my daughter picked her religion. I found a reform congregation and enrolled her into religious school and the rabbi often joked that I should just convert since I am the one at all of the services and the room mother most years, I am proud to say my daughter had her bat mitzvah this past January and it was the proudest day of my life. I plan to convert this year because I feel more at home in the Jewish community than I ever felt in the Catholic community and I can thank my wise daughter!
“Goyim” is plural. Reza would be a goy, not a goyim. His mother is not Jewish, so by Jewish law neither is he. He’s welcome to convert to Judaism, however, if he wishes to become Jewish.
The single largest Jewish denomination in the US disagrees with you (Reform Judaism) and excepts children with either Jewish parent. Very clearly, in the Torah, Judaism was passed through the father, not the mother. Of course, there is no Pope of Judaism and thus there is no unified “Jewish law.” Jewish law has changed through history, and changes as we speak. Different Jewish communities, and different Jewish leaders, continue to interpret it in different ways. The laws of grammar, however, are clear, and you are correct that goyim is plural.